Whores your dignity?

I want to be Jeff Foxworthy.

Only a twisted kind of Jeff Foxworthy.  Instead of the tag line “If…..then you might be a redneck.”  I want to have “If…..then you might be a whore.”  In fact, I’m a woman and we’re supposed to be a little more decisive, so let’s change it.  “If….then you’re probably a whore.”

So let’s go:

If you celebrate weekly anniversaries, then you’re probably a whore.

If you assume a date means sex, then you’re probably a whore.

If you sleep with someone and they then make your car payment, then you’re probably a whore.

If you change your relationship status on facebook for real so often that you’ve become the butt of jokes, then you’re probably a whore.

If you have sex with three different men within a seven day period, then you’re probably a whore.

If your friends can’t remember the name of the guy you’re currently madly in love with because there have been so many names for them to remember, then you’re probably a whore.

If you’ve gone back and re-dated every boyfriend you had from kindergarten through your thirties, you’re probably a whore.

If you have dated the ex-significant others of your ex’s current significant other, then you’re probably a whore who’s not afraid to mix up that primordial soup of bodily fluids.

If your friends take you aside and tell you that you’re acting like a whore, then you’ve probably been a whore for a long time but it’s gotten so bad they’re now just embarrassed for you.

It is said that women can be cruel to other women, and the above is certainly cruel.  But honestly, it just needs to be said.  I’ll probably think about not posting this blog more than once before I’m done, but in the end I’m going to do it.  Why are women so cruel to whores?  Well, let’s not forget that men like whores by sheer definition of the term “whore.”  So, a guy certainly isn’t going to point out that throwing yourself on your back like a turtle on a first date is undignified.

A guy’s reaction to a whore usually goes something like this.  A: “You know that girl?” B: “Yeah?” A: “She’s a whore.” B: “Hell, I’ll ask her out.” A: “Just wear a condom dude.”   And for this Guy B is totally grateful for Guy A for the head’s up to get laid.  Or they look at the girl and say, “Well, if I got desperate, I know where to go.” 

Now thinking, this there’s going to be some women who say “Well, you’re just jealous.”  Let’s examine this remark.  I’ll do this by asking myself some questions.  1] Would I sleep with the men that these women are choosing?  2] would I even date (without the sex) any of these men?  3] would I want the pressure of trying to remember all those names?  4] would I want to change the locks/wash the sheets that many times?  So let’s answer them in reverse order.  #4 No. In fact, I’m a bit of a neat freak when it comes to mixing biological fluid so this just would not work for me.  I simply don’t have time to change the sheets more than once a week and I can’t afford rekeying the house with that kind of turn around.  # 3  Holy crap, between the names I’m making up, I don’t even know if I can.  Still, it’s kind of nice knowing that I cared enough for every man I actually did the deed with that I can remember their names and that the list doesn’t take two days to recite.  #2 half the men on any whore’s conquest list are so far off my “acceptable” list that…well, let’s put it this way, it’s cheaper to buy batteries than it is to support some deadbeat who doesn’t work, whines, spends money you don’t want to spend, and complains.  Granted, I understand it’s possible to find a man who works, doesn’t whine, saves money for a rainy day, and is just happy to do fun things in your company; but these men don’t need whores.  Just like they aren’t buying over-used cars; they aren’t buying over-used women.  #1 I’m not a beauty queen by any stretch of the imagination, but I have my self respect and I have my standards and even if I forget about the trust issue, the personal hygiene issues, and the general lack of cerebral function I would not sleep with these men.  Of course, where the trail has been blazed before, I’d want a full spectrum of antibiotics to precede things anyway.

Most of the time the woman who says a woman calling another a whore (a real whore, not just a woman they don’t like, let’s remember that the name can be thrown around frivolously) are the women who are trying to make themselves feel better or trying to convince themselves that somehow all this sex makes them wanted, makes them worthy.

And that’s the sad thing about whores, really.  They’re like sad clowns hiding behind makeup…only in the case of whores they’re laying on their backs with their feet up in the air, searching for truth on ceilings everywhere.  Sometimes, they try searching for truth on their knees.  But try to convince me that being on your knees with your mouth full of something you just met is dignified.

Then there’s this new trend of announcing to the world on Facebook every detail of your life.  Honestly, I don’t get how someone can be announcing that they’ve found their true love every week, then making it complicated, then being single again for a day.  And if this is you, just because you don’t change your status, doesn’t mean when you’re taking pictures of your kids with a new guy every week and posting about how in love you are, we don’t know you’re going through the cycle.

What do you say to someone who has changed their status so many times you can’t even keep track any longer?  When they go into a relationship, do you say 1] how long is this one gonna last? (God, and I know the answer would be “Forever” which translates from the whorespeak into English as “Maybe 3 weeks this time.”)  2] this one have a name?  3] where did this one come from? 4] Again? 5] Really?  What happened to the last one again?  6] Oh, have we moved on to guys who have first names that start with the letter “B?”   When they go from in a relationship to single what’s the appropriate response:  1] Better luck next time 2] Wow, I thought this was going to be the One 3] SHOCKED! 4] Sorry, but it’s not like you haven’t been there before…recently  5] Someone else lined up?  6] Have you tried dating sites? 7] when you fall off one horse, you have to get back  -- no, I can’t even go there….

I say these things to the whores and the women who don’t like that label but are sleeping around with anything that will say yes – and newsflash almost all of them are going to say yes, not because they like you but because guys are preprogrammed to say yes for the most part---they just don’t think of you as the black hole that could bring them the disease that will make their most prized body part swell up to the size of an elephant trunk, turn gangrenous and fall off.  When you give the green light, this isn’t crossing their minds. 

Whores, I really wish you wouldn’t bring down women this way.  Every guy you flip over for without requiring some respect is a moment when you are personally chiseling away at the fabric of all that we as women are, you make us no better than the chattel we were once considered.  It’s already sad that we as women starve ourselves, that female Olympic athletes are discussing their hair and their uniforms rather than their skills, and we wear heels that ruin our feet and makeup that ruins our skin.  Don’t we want to be respected and cherished rather than used and tossed aside?  Don’t we want to be considered special rather than just another hole to stick a dick into?

I do not hate you, whores, I am not jealous of you; don’t you see that you’re training your children and the men you “date” to think it is acceptable to treat women like trash.  How can men treat you like anything other than trash, when you yourself are showing them that you are nothing more than that?  Don’t turn yourself out like a rutting dog.  Show your sons that a woman should be treated like a treasure.  Show your daughters that they have the right to demand to be treated like a treasure.  Don’t chase the boys.  Don’t give anything away for free. You are worth an investment.  Why don’t you think so?  Why don’t you see that it’s impossible to hold your head high when you’re on your knees with some stranger’s phallus shoved down your throat?

ASIDE:

You don’t know where that thing has been if you haven’t gotten to know it first, for God’s sake!  Even if you aren’t concerned about the germs, -- okay, how can you not be concerned about the germs, diseases, and whatever else is lurking …there, I repeat, if you haven’t gotten to know it, you don’t know where it’s been.  Hell, sometimes even when you do know it, it’s visiting other whores who are visiting other phalli….it’s a giant soup of goo…do you really want to be part of that?

BACK TO ORIGINAL PROFOUND THOUGHT

Get some counseling.  Learn to like yourself.  Respect yourself and you’ll get respect.  If you don’t respect yourself, why should anyone else?

Oh, and one more thing…have those calluses on your knees looked at, that just ain’t right.