Perspective on the Hallmark holiday

I thought I’d been in love before. I thought I knew what love was. I got married. I thought that was love. But it was sick and it nearly destroyed me—not physically, but mentally. Ten years of struggle, of repeating that mantra that relationships are work and that nothing comes easy.

I remember sitting in my big house and looking around at all the stuff in it and thinking, “I am not in this house. This isn’t my place. I don’t belong here.” I lost myself in the effort of trying to make it work. Someone who claimed to love me, used the belief that I was supposed to work to make someone else happy, that I was supposed to sacrifice myself to that person’s will. It happened slow, it was subtle, but I disappeared. When I resisted, the mental attacks came, the guilt trips, the accusations of not being invested, the seeds of self-doubt sowed in unstable ground. And that is how I lost myself.

I remember the last day of my marriage quite clearly. It wasn’t easy. But, it did take this conscious thought. I had a choice. Was I to salvage this relationship, live up to the vows I took with all seriousness and absoluteness? To do that, I was going to have to kill off my soul. I knew this instinctively. The person I was could not survive this relationship. I could have killed my soul, the last spark of life burning inside me, and lived hollow and empty. My other choice was failure. Failing vows I’d made, failing myself, failing things I thought I could do, failing to do the work that I thought was required.

But in that failure, my soul could survive. I could live. This is the choice I made. I chose to give myself the love that no one else had. I chose to thrive.

Suddenly, I was free. My empty and hollow soul began to fill back up. I was happy. I could be myself again. I was suddenly not so alone. So today, on a hard day for so many people, I would like to tell all of you that you can be so much more alone when you’re denying yourself the right to live….just because society impresses upon people that we must “couple-up”.  I will tell you that while I laughed and played the bitter divorcee, I was happier being single than I had EVER been during my marriage. I learned to live again. I filled up my life with things to do, things I loved: work, friends, trips to places I’d never thought I would go. I set goals for myself and reached those goals—I didn’t reach some of those goals to, but I discovered that the benefits are always in the attempts.

Don’t let this holiday take that from you. Don’t let all these pictures of love and adoration and images of couples taint your soul and make it think that it’s less worthy. It took me a while to fill my soul back up. It took me a while to figure things out after that marriage.

To be honest, I would have sworn to you that love was an illusion created by not only Hallmark, but also by artists and musicians and poets. I would have told you that love meant sacrificing yourself and there was no way I was ever going to do that again. I refused to let myself believe.

However, life has a way of teaching me lessons. I’m grateful that I have learned how to listen. Because, two and a half years ago, in walked the biggest lesson of all.  Unexpected, unanticipated. I always had my door open for new friends, friends who could teach me things, friends who were interesting, friends who I could share things with. I didn’t believe in love so I certainly didn’t have my door open to it any more than it was open to rainbows, sparkles, unicorns and the color pink.

I met someone who’s soul belonged with mine. It’s not about work at all, apparently. That old cliché makes you think and do things that aren’t real. Doug Myers is the other half of my soul—which honestly was doing just fine, but I had no idea there was so much unrealized potential. I could have been happy the rest of my life, I could have felt fulfilled. There is nothing wrong with being single—life should be held on to no matter what. But I am lucky. Because my soul sings now. And there’s none of that bad stuff that I had before. I can be myself with this other half; just like I am by myself. There’s no pretending, there’s no acting. Just a smile from him makes me smile and makes my heart beat faster. And what makes me happy? When he is himself, when he does the things that makes him happy. I encourage him to be more of who he is, he encourages me to do the same. I love him. But I don’t feel like I’m in a relationship. I feel like he’s part of who I am. I cannot imagine me without him. There’s no sacrifice. There is only us.

I share this stuff.  Sappy and crappy. Because I know that this day is hard on many people. It’s hard because society tells you that you have to be with someone to be happy. That’s not the case. Always be true to yourself. Love is not another person, love is something that is inside you. So, you want flowers for Valentine’s Day? Go buy them for yourself. When I was single, and still today, if I want flowers, I go and buy them for myself. The flowers don’t smell better or look prettier if someone else gives them to you. You will say, I don’t know what I’m talking about because I’m crazy, stupid in love with this man I’ve let inside the walls around my heart. But I do know. I know that to live a life by society’s rules leads to making decisions that can destroy the essential you. When that person is gone, it’d be like cutting off the bruised sections of an apple—the good part of the apple doesn’t want to hook up with the bruised part because then everything gets ruined.

Is there someone out there for everyone? Maybe not. But that’s okay. Live free. Embrace life. Do good work. Be happy. Be your own Valentine first.

The United States of America is my country. I'm proud to be an American. When I was little and visiting my Dutch relatives, I used to proudly proclaim that I was an American like my dad and the dog. I'm not disgusted by the people who are angry about who won the election; I'm not disgusted by people who don't agree and are worried. However, I'm offended by this group of people who are flying flags of being tolerant people and protested the "other side" because they're racists, sexist, etcetera—which is really just calling names—bullying people who disagree with them and demanding that no one support what is. I am disgusted by people who are actively trying to cause violence and dissent. These people are causing fear and hatred and many of them are justifying their words and actions by saying “the other side said bad things about us for 8 years.”

I for one never liked President Obama. I didn't vote for him. However, I will admit that he's done some good things for the country. I don't agree with other things he's done. I feel like he’s painted targets on the backs of police officers and painted them all with the brush of racists, when I know that not to be the case. I feel like he doesn’t support our military. However, I do accept that he attempted to help people get health care who wouldn’t otherwise get it (the elimination of the ability to refuse health insurance for people with pre-existing conditions is an important thing). When the President came to Sandusky, I wanted to see him, because I thought it was cool that a sitting President would actually come to our little town. I was really upset that he blocked off the entire downtown and only allowed "his supporters" to see his speech. You know, I would have been okay if he'd come to a private venue to stump for candidates; but, to take up public space, shut down businesses (including the court house which stopped a bunch of people from getting their homes purchased that day) and then ban people he didn't like from that public place was wrong in my opinion.  Of course, I was called a racist by several people who assume that when you disagree with someone’s policies and that person isn’t of the same race as you that you are the worst kind of human being.

However, this did not incite me to violence or hatred. I just said: “Well, it's wrong and if I ever get an opportunity, I'll tell people I think so.” I hope they listen.

In the end, it's this country that I'm proud of. I am not a racist or a sexist or a homophobe. I like some people, I dislike other people. I've never truly wished ill on any other person (except my ex-husband and honestly, I think I can be forgiven for that because the feeling has long since passed). This country affords people of all races, backgrounds, and sexual orientations opportunities that no other country in the world does. The highest offices and statuses have been reached by those born into the lowest. Like my dad always told me “Some things might be harder to reach for you, some things might be handed to others that you don’t get handed to you. But, if you spend all your time looking at what others have, you’re missing your opportunity to work to get what you want. Hard work will bring you whatever you want.”

I am not denying the existence of racism, sexism, or bigotry in our country. I’m merely pointing out that constantly carrying it around as a banner, throwing those labels out at people who disagree with you causes those very things to fester and grow. It keeps those things alive.

Donald Trump won this election. He will be our President. I’ve never liked Donald Trump. I wish someone would take his damn Twitter account away. But do I wish him failure? Absolutely not. His failure would be the failure of this country, this great country, this country that I love. Will I fight to defend the basic principles of this country? Of course, I will. Do the basic principles of this country include hatred and venom spewed out at people who’ve chosen to be part of the inauguration, the systematic campaign of cyber-bullying of people who support the President, or the violent campaign to destroy anyone who holds a differing opinion of the possibilities of the future? No, they do not. What are you teaching the next generation? If they get a boss they don’t like, but some other co-worker likes that boss, is it okay to burn that co-worker’s house to the ground? This isn’t what this country is about.

If you don’t like this President to be, then go ahead and peacefully say so. If you don’t like something he sets in motion, then go ahead and write your Congressmen and women and tell them to oppose a policy. The man isn’t even President yet; no one knows what he’s going to do or how he’s going to govern. He was legally elected by the electoral college; if you take California out of the mix, he won the popular vote handily. This entire country cannot be ruled by the same standards as one state—it wouldn’t work—and our wise forefathers who made this great country understood that.

May the next four years be prosperous, may they be peaceful. May the inauguration go without hitch and without some third world coup attempt that some people seem to think would be okay and are actually advocating (many of them trying to ban guns at the same time, preaching love and understanding which is clearly something they know nothing about. You can’t just love and understand people who agree with you, you have to love and understand the bigot too, otherwise you’re just a damn hypocrite). May the doomsayers prove wrong. May everyone stop using the bad behavior of others as an excuse for their own bad behavior. We are all on the same boat. We need to work together, even with people who we don’t like, or the ship will be lost.

In my opinion. I am sure I will be called names, told I’m wrong, and be called hopelessly optimistic…which is funny because I’m cynical about everything, I no longer have faith in humanity. In the end, we got the President we all deserve. He is a reflection of our society. If any other person had run on a major ticket, that person would have won. This is the boat we decided to jump on, this is the ship of state.