Posts
3/22/2016
Get up early
and drive out after listening to the news and finding out there were terrorist attacks in Belgium. We decide to stop for breakfast a Bob Evans on the way. The
waitress has so much make up on, it must have been applied with a spatula. I
mention that we’re headed to Vegas and she proceeds to tell us that she got
married for the second time in Vegas (she asks if we’re getting married there).
She tells us about her trip there and where she stayed and how much fun she and
her now husband have when they go there. Arrive at the airport and Cleveland
seems to be working on all their long term parking as all the lots are closed
and only one is open, but it has a sign that it is full. However, since we have
a small car, the attendant lets us squeeze into a handicap spot right next to a
shuttle pick up sight. We’re in the
“Brown Lot” because it’s shitty and far away.
But there is a shuttle. The shuttle driver picks us up. Doug stretches
to get his wallet out and I’m sure it looked like he was trying to hump my leg.
“Well that’s what sweethearts are supposed to do,” she says after I make a
comment about having a huge shuttle bus to ourselves and Doug and I are sitting
right next to each other. “Are you getting married in Vegas?” she wants to
know.
We arrive at
the desk to check-in our bags and the guy at the counters asks Doug if he was
in the Air Force (he’s wearing his USAF shirt). When Doug says yes, the guy
wants to know if he can get in with a disability because he wants to be a
recruiter and he wants to know if a waiver is possible (he has hearing aids in
both ears). Doug tells him he doesn’t know. Then I assure him that he looks
like he was in the military. He says “So if there’s a terrorist on the plane,
he’s coming for me first?” Not what I meant, but yeah, he looks like he was in
the military for a long time.
We have this
discussion in the huge line to get through TSA security check point. Behind us
a woman in a business suit one size too small is complaining about the line.
“This is not very good customer service,” she says. The guy in the suit standing with her nods and
glances around at everyone else other than the woman. Another woman in a
miniskirt with tattoos all the way up one leg like a cobweb of filigree runs up
through the exit and cuts in front of everyone.
At the gate,
everyone is on their phone at the same time. A guy with an autoharp (how in the
hell can that thing fit in an overhead bin?) is talking too loud about his
philosophy of life to someone who cares—no one else does. Ten 20-something guys
are trying to post a snap chat photo at the gate, taking over a huge space in
the crowded “discount airline” area. A big guy with very white shoes, bags
under blood shot eyes, and a frumpy shirt keeps passing out in a chair nearby. There’s
another guy with a carry-on, a large “personal item” bag, and a 17inch laptop—how
is he going to get this all on the plane? If the plane crashes, these are the
people I’m going to die with. I do not want to die with these people.
On the
flight, we encounter a flight attendant who is a Jennifer Aniston- wannabe with
braces. We quote Airplane! to pass
the time as we anxiously await our seat mate in the row of three. But
surprise! No seat mate, three seats for
two of us, this is practically first class! And we have the exit aisle with
extra leg room. Doug glances at the iPod of the man across the aisle and
notices that his phone is playing the exact same song as the guy’s iPod….creepy.
There’s a woman who’s gone to the restroom about 3 times since the plane took
off; the woman has “resting bitch face”. I spend some time practicing my
resting bitch face, but as usual I keep laughing. There’s another guy with Jean
Claude Van Damme sunglasses sitting across the aisle and a row behind us,
staring menacingly (or at least I imagine so since his eyes are hidden).
As we land,
a huge woman pushes through the aisle of people getting up to deplane, knocking
people back into their rows. She’s wearing leopard print pants, has dreadlocks,
and a tank top. When we get off the plane we see her sitting in a chair waiting
with her head held in her hands. She nearly killed people to get there? Baggage
claim finds us waiting with a guy who apparently wore muddy rubber wader boots
on the plane. Thank goodness we didn’t die with these people!!
Bags first
on the roundabout, taxi waiting immediately, trip straight to the Luxor, no
waiting at check-in, and we get a lovely suite with a view of a parking lot and
a wall. The room is smaller than we remember, and yet we don’t use most of it—no
need to get space from our current company I suppose. The room is worn and threadbare,
the hotel is showing its age.
We’re off to
get Zumanity tickets at New York New
York. Then we decide on the Excalibur buffet for dinner. Our waitress is about
six foot tall, has a blonde wig, is rail thing, and has a smoker’s voice. She
is obsessed with dessert, telling us 5 times to not forget it. Doug discovers
lemon-pepper peel and eat shrimp. We pig out.
We explore
the shops at New York New York and Excalibur on our way to the show. Outside of one bathroom, we see a big blonde
woman 350 pounds plus who has no neck. She’s texting and taking pictures of the
front of the men’s restroom. The salesman at the Swatch store keeps trying to
sell us something by explaining the watches we’re glancing at, but neither of
us can understand a word he’s saying through his accent. He keeps eyeing Doug’s
watch.
Zumanity. Cirque de
Soleil show for adults only, about sex. Next to us is a couple with a selfie
stick taking pictures of themselves. In front of us is another couple, Asians
taking selfies who will get home only to discover that the weird American’s
have photobombed and ruined all their selfies.
While the Asian couple doesn’t interact with each other, each absorbed
by their cell phones and texting, the couple next to us with the selfie stick
starts making out and don’t see one bit of the show at all. The Asian woman has
a pink cell phone case that is twice as big as her phone and shaped like a
football.
The show. A creepy midget who just wanders around
fondling people and at the end is wearing nothing but a bedazzled nut pouch as
he runs his tiny little hands over his miniature man body. Two men who dance in
spiked 4 inch heels and flowing capes and have shaved their legs so their legs
look like women’s. A transvestite host in a black negligee. Two buxom and
bulbous Russian women. A built guy with a pink Mohawk and leather chaps (Doug
refuses to buy chaps, I asked him). Women diving in water in an elevated glass
bowl. A short black man with horns and goat pants/pagan leggings running around
on all fours growling at people. And an insurance agent named Judy from
Minnesota who is seeing the show with her daughter.
After the
show, it’s late. We go back to the room and end our first day of vacation.
