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I’ve given up television!
The last frontier of my addictions.
I nearly have one week under my belt and I haven’t killed anyone
yet. I suppose this is a good thing, but
let’s face it maybe if I just let loose a little the planet would probably be
improved. Yes, that’s right, I said it. I’m the one who should be in charge of
who lives and dies. This no television thing is fucking empowering, I tell ya.
Someone said to me the other day: “JoAnn, it’s so
fascinating, you live such an interesting life. Something unusual happens to
you every single day.” One, it’s not
that flipping great. Two, I think it really happens to everyone but I’m just
noticing it because my perspective is…outside the norm.
First point of news. There is a hawk killing things in my
backyard. I call him Hannibal. Because he kills other birds, eats them, and
leaves the parts around for me to find each and every morning. My backyard is
the avian version of the killing fields. With all the heads laying around, I
could start a business of Godfather like intimidation for the budget conscious,
leaving bird heads on door steps. Right now, I’m just throwing them away in the
trash. I keep expecting the FBI to show
up after the garbage men tip them off about the body disposal….does this make
me an accessory to the crime?
I think the neighbor kids are bigger accessories than I am.
I just caught them throwing bread crumbs out, luring potential victims into the
hunting grounds. I called the kids
Nazis. I told them they were luring all those pretty song birds into the
showers. They ran inside crying. Hey Ezekial and Edith Schmeil, I hope your
parents explain to you that life is hard; that’s why your dad works those long
ours at the family’s kosher deli. No use crying, you were only following
orders. Stop being so sensitive, but don’t be Nazis.
Second point of news, I’ve been letting my hair grow long.
This seems to be perplexing to a great many people. I was in the salon the
other day, just to get the ends trimmed and the hair “stylist”…I called her a “cutter”
and she got offended…asked how long I was going to let it grow. I told her, “Probably until mid-July when it’s
95 degrees and really humid.” She said, “No,
how long?” She enunciated the word “long” as if I didn’t
understand it. So I replied. “Until it gets hot.” Speaking equally
slow. So, now I’ve got blonde streaks in
my hair. I think is spells out something, but I can’t quite see it…
Third point of news.
I broke down and got another tattoo in October. It’s a butterfly that looks like a watercolor
painting. It’s really cool and it covers a scar I’ve had on my leg that I’ve
had all my life. Not really what people expected of me, but people tend to
think of other people in one dimension, or one mold. Most of us are round;
except for those annoying skinny people who can eat as much as they want and
never gain any weight. These are the people
I would eliminate first by the way.
Worked in the yard today. Put out the garden zombies and the
wind chimes. Now I’m sitting here watching the neighbor kids pee on each other.
This is not a game we played as children. We had kick the can and freeze tag
and hide-n-seek, which I always thought was boring. It’s getting cold out, but
these kids are out in shorts and tank tops. This is probably so their mother
and her new boyfriend can make baby number 8.. I mean it’s been a year and a
half since she’s added to the brood. The new boyfriend looks like an awesome
catch. I mean he’s so cool he wears his baseball cap backwards with a straight
visor…DEAR GOD MAN the proper way to wear a baseball cap is with the visor part
bent. That’s the first thing you’re supposed to do when you get a new hat. Bend
that rim. WTF is wrong with you....okay,
sorry, about that, my own little rant. The best thing about the new boyfriend
is undoubtedly that he has no job so he can devote all his time to Mama Sponge
who also has no job. This no job thing makes it easy for them to go “shopping”
in the middle of the night. Apparently
that’s when all the sales are happening and how they got this new grill and two
new lawn mowers. Okay, these people first,
then the skinny people…then the damn hawk….
